Q-Tip

If you were a q-tip
I'd shove you in my ear
clean out the nonsense I hear
and listen to you instead.

My Mandarin Selling MILF Count

My mandarin selling MILF count
so far is up to ten
wait, there's eleven
put a tally down again

12 now, hey now! 13, 14
she wants to be my friend
selling fruit is never boring
when everyone's a ten

My mandarin selling MILF count
has made it up to twenty.
Here's another beautiful mother
giving me her money

She eyes my mandarins up and down
asks me how they taste
well in a month they one won't be around
so there's no time to waste.

Road Trip

The backseat of a car,
a place of discomfort.
Frankly right now
I'd rather be sunburnt
My head feels like a hangover
and this seat makes my bum hurt
Flipped off a range rover
the driver was just some jerk
who tried to cut us off.
He failed cause we aren't moving.
At least it's just a roadtrip
and we aren't actually moving.
Knees bent forever,
My legs are too big
I'd try to move em' straight
but would they snap like a twig?
a gas station would be
a beautiful sight to see
haven't told the driver,
but I really have to pee.
My cup is half empty
we're only halfway there
my bladder is full
and we're in the middle of nowhere.

Dogs and Cats

Dogs are better than cats, it's the truth.
They have more fun, they have more youth.
You can always teach them to obey
And then they always do what you say.

But I'd rather be a cat.

The Story

There will always be another stairwell.
There is always an upper story.
And until I give life a farewell,
I guess I'll be writing this story.

The Picker

"Get your finger out of there!"
Ignores me. She just doesn't care.
Tells me that I'm being a prick
Sorry, it's just gross when you flick.

"Do you really think I think that's hot?"
Doesn't answer. I assure her it's not.
One of my many, many woes-
Liking a girl who picks her nose.

Swimming to Shore

For a moment I am a successful romantic
Diving from the sun into your ocean atlantic
The ocean you and your effects are gigantic
Till in deep fear of drowning I swim to shore frantic.

My Day

I cut my knee open today
Got hit on awkwardly by a gay
Got in a verbal fight and got told
Checked out a sixteen year old
Afterward felt like a creep
Running on 3 hours of sleep.
Just came down from my caffeine high
During which I was "that guy"
Spilled some mustard on my lap
A kid woke me in the middle of a nap
Then you wanna know what I did?
I naturally hit that little kid
Went out to eat, left no tip
That waitress gave me too much lip
Half my memory just went gone
Or else I'd tell you what else went on
There's something good though,
Something right.
At the end of this tunnel there is a light,
At the end of this day, there is a night
I'm gonna lay down, and go sleep tight.
Goodnight.

The Experiment

If you could break a man in half
and take part of him away
which half would he have left?
which part of him would stay?

would he be able to laugh?
or would he only cry?
would he even care at all
that half of his body died?

his body might stand tall
while unable to really think
water drips from an eyeball
too bad he's unable to blink

or pretend this man is bright,
but no ability for affection
no friends are found in sight
when you don't know how to make a connection

put his body back intact
complete and incredible with a soul
but everyone was made like that
but if we're evolving, how are we whole?

Bill

My little brother's friend
he's noisy to no end,
his name's Bill.
He's always super fun
he's an annoying one,
I love Bill.

The Dream Girl

Monday night I had this dream
Where a girl and I first met.
The first time I ever seem
to really have loved a brunette.

She had spunk and flair and didn't care
if I saw her be herself,
I followed her around everywhere
left behind fortune and wealth

Going crazy about this chick
Would she be more than a friend?
Tuesday morning I woke up quick
Never to see her again.

The Ceiling

The ceiling of my dining room
never looked at it til' now
and as I look I wonder how
I never noticed it's all squares.

It's actually inspirational
Noticing the ceiling
Having this feeling
It was never really there

I usually stare at the ground
but now I stare from down under
unable to help but wonder
how good life would be if everyone was looking up.

I Hate When That Happens

That guy there. He's trying to get my attention
But right now I can't think because I broke my brain.
There's something funny he's trying to mention
It's probably something interesting. Huh.

Normal

Been trying to act a bit more normal
Looking for the entrance to the "ordinary" portal.
The other day I even cleaned out my car
It doesn't smell any less of cigar.

Attempting to act just a tad more sane
Got more sleep to enhance my brain
It's true, I went to bed at 9
And not cause I had too much wine
Just went to bed and laid awake until 1
Ignoring calls from people having fun.

Also started looking for top shelf dames
For some reason they all just seem kinda lame
Like the girl this morning, I wanted to date her,
Gave my number- her man called 2 minutes later.

I'm trying to act more normal
But I think it might be driving me insane.