I Wish I Were an Asshole

I wish I were an asshole
All the girls would love me
Cause they love when you insult them
But won't expect you to hold them
Yes only if I were an asshole
But definitely not a jerk
Because assholes don't really work a lot
But the customers still think they're hot
And they still get a raise in the end
But the jerks, they just get fired again.

Oh if I were an asshole I'd have it in the bag
But I definitely don't wanna be a douchebag
Compensating with their souped up trucks
Cause the fact is they aren't big enough
Oh douchebags deserve to be struck
By assholes.

I wish I were an asshole
But the fact is deep down I actually have a heart
Once or twice I've been called sweet and endearing
Which are always words that are hard to be hearing
Because deep down assholes have the key to success
Love or hated? They could care less
I wish I could lie and call her fat in that dress
But instead I'm honest and tell her she looks the best.
Oh I simply wish that I were an asshole.

Fart haha

This rhyme is for you, if you are a child
If you're fifty years old and annoying and wild
This time it's for you, if you are a kid
If in your list of bad guys you include Sid
Cause you watch Toy Story all the time
If you are a child, I write you this rhyme.

Sleepwalking

My head hurts. My car smells like ass
Open my eyes with my head on the dash.
Did I really just wake up in my front seat?
Why am I parked in the middle of the street?
Look on the floor, an empty bottle of gin
A pounding in my head-It happened again.
Last night I went to bed, calm and quiet
But once I was asleep I started a riot

You see mom I'm really an innocent guy
But for some reason, I don't know really why
I go to bed and sleepwalk each night
Hit up the bar and start crazy fights
When I go to sleep somehow I'm just dumber
Just reached in my pocket and found a girl's number
I don't think I'll call her, I doubt she was hot.
When I'm asleep I pick bad ones a lot

Maybe I should become a lucid dreamer
Cause right now I'm just an unconscious schemer
My friends don't like me when I'm awake
I try to tell them "The asleep me is fake!"
But the asleep me is real, at least that's what they say
I wonder what would happen if I slept in the day
But I guess for now, I'll just sleepwalk at night
And if I wake up hungover, well I guess that's alright.

The Move

At the counter, movie tickets to buy
A pretty girl and me
Pull my wallet out like a loaded guy
And now I'm floundering

Only 20 bucks, this is the worst
The tickets cost twenty-two
Of course she wouldn't bring her purse
What am I gonna do?

Digging through the floor of my car
While she texts and looks at the time
Found a dollar fifty-four so far
All in pennies and dimes

Step into the movie 20 minutes late
Amid the credits we look for a seat
I point out a section to my date
And our journey is almost complete

Reaching the top of the flight of stairs
Distracting the viewers around
Together we find a pair of chairs
I notice the armrest is down

Into the seat, now what should I do?
What would she prefer?
Ask "Hey, can I put my arm around you?"
Or just pull "the move" on her?

Lift my arms up with a sigh
This my victory or crack of doom
When quite abruptly she stands high
She has to use the bathroom

Sitting alone I'm quite perplexed
How could it take this long to pee?
When in a dawning moment I realize next
She pulled a parting move on me.

Wet Laughcidents (laff-sid-ent)

Holding a glass of water or juice,

I have an accident.
Hearing a joke I'll hold my glass a bit loose
I have a laughcident.

A laughcident is by definition known
as an accident that occurs when something tickles your funny bone.

This time there was a laughcident I couldn't control,
A laughing accident I hated.
Laughing so hard it shook my body whole...
I urinated.

I know laughter's a good thing, but I just found a flaw
bolted to the bathroom before somebody saw

Grabbed a towel, started dabbing at my crotch
All that really did was spread the wet blotch

I looked down again in disbelief
Why couldn't I have waited to get some relief?

When it hit me at once, it was right before my eyes!
All there was to do was start telling some lies

I boldly stepped from the bathroom yelling "Look! I spilled my drink!"
spent the night in my pee pants, nobody stopped to rethink.

So next time you see a guy who supposedly spilled a drink on his pants, don't trust him. He's probably a liar.

In The John

Open the door, close it
lock the door I'm free
Content I turn around
Drop my drawers with glee

The seat is so cold
I sit down. It's so clean
Comfortably flip through
the nearest magazine

Get a call from my girl
Pick it up. Might as well
We're only on the phone
She won't detect the smell

I mean what's the point in being
the king upon the throne
If a king is not allowed
to even talk on his phone

End the call, finish the page
And now I'm almost done
I think I've been here for an age
But hey, I had the runs.

Absentmindedly reach for the roll
Oh no, there's nothing there
"I need toilet paper!"
Nobody seems to care

Finally someone comes
But it's been a couple hours
I say "Thanks for bringing some"
as I pull on up my trousers

Wash my hands once or twice
This is like my second bedroom
Cause there is no point in enjoying life
If you can't enjoy the restroom